My Story!

Why do our minds get so lost?

So far from where they should be

I do want to stay focused

But I have forgotten how

I’m so far in to get out by myself

I need a higher power

I do need you God

Reach down and capture me

Into your presence I want to be

I am consumed with emotion

Swimming through my mind

Who am I?

I am not who I used to be

I am not what I want to be

I am still your child

But a child lost

Lost in a valley of emotions

Emotions spinning so fast

That I physically hurt.

I wrote this during a very difficult time in my life and never with the intention of sharing it with anyone, much less the world, but here I am posting it for everyone to read.  Trust me this was not my idea and I am not so comfortable sharing my past and all my struggles, but after sharing this with a beautiful group of women this weekend, I had a wonderful friend suggest that I share it on my blog because she felt like it would resonate with many people.  So here I am! 

You know some people would say I went through a depression and I even thought that at one time, but after much prayer and much studying of God’s Word I have come to the conclusion that it wasn’t depression but an oppression upon my life.  Now don’t get me wrong I know that depression is real and there are many people that suffer from this illness, but that wasn’t my problem.  I am not sure exactly how it started nor all the reasons behind it, but I do thank God for it.  Yeah, never thought I would be saying that either, but it is absolutely the truth.  God used this dark time in my life to make me new, to transform me into who he wanted me to be.  I learned that it really doesn’t matter who I think I should be or what I think I should be, God created me for a purpose and only he knows the person whom I will become and he is doing his best to get me there---I just have to be willing to follow the path that he has placed before me!  One of the most difficult things that I dealt with during this time was wondering what I did wrong.  Instead of concentrating on what God was trying to do through me I was constantly condemning myself for some great sin that I had committed, all the while wondering what exactly did I do wrong to cause such punishment.  These thoughts were constantly running through my mind and so I began to read the book of Job over and over again, and wonder why did Job not get mad, how did he keep it all together when he lost so much.  I would compare my life to Job’s---he lost everything and I have lost nothing and I still can’t get my life together.  Then one day after I began to climb out of that dark hole I was reading Job once again.  There it was, right in front of me----In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job.  This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evi.  Job 1:1.  My answer!  Job was blameless and upright---God spoke to me immediately through these words and told me… ‘Rosanne, you did nothing wrong---you did not cause this to be upon you, I just needed you to become who I created you for---you are ok and I love you.’  Wow, I did nothing wrong, I was going to be ok, and God loves me, just what I needed to hear and at the exact moment that I needed to hear it.

You see we can never understand everything that happens to us here on earth, but we can always know that God is in control of everything around us, and his hand never leaves us.  Since this time, one of my favorite scriptures that I cling to so often is Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  If you are a child of God things will come against you, let me rephrase that…Satan will come against you, he will be after you, he will do everything in his power to try and pull you away from Jesus Christ, but that will happen only if you decide to turn away from Christ because he will never, ever turn away from you! 

So if you are going through a difficult time in your life, the only advice that I can give you is to trust in God, read his word and seek him in prayer---your answer, your relief may not come tomorrow or next week, or even next year, but I am here to tell you that it will come and when it does you will be better for it.   Life on this earth will never be easy for a Christian, but it will all be more than worth it one day!

With Much Love and Blessings!

Rosanne